Love-letter to my lovers

Lovers of the past:

To YOU, who taught me to truly appreciate the meaning of small sentiments and gestures. And you showed me that dreamy romantic love is not just a scripted fairy-tale. I couldn't have dreamed of a different boy in the moment when we had each other. 

To YOU, with whom I learned what it means to truly care for someone else. To love beyond the own ego.
And you showed me the value of family and stability and the healing power of silliness and a nurturing embrace.
I learned that sometimes truly loving one another to the deepest core of one's own heart can somehow still not be enough.
And that sometimes, even if it tears both your hearts into millions of shattered pieces, you have to part and let go, so you both can grow.
But with you I also learned how the transformational power of love can always find a way and shift into different states. I experienced that if love is paired with true friendship, the latter can always persist.

To YOU, who encouraged me that it is okay to be afraid. And that it is okay to run away from something, until you have enough strength to face it. And I guess in retrospect I also learned about loyalty. And the burden we load upon us when we neglect it.

To YOU, who helped me discover another me, much deeper and stronger and more creative, beneath the me that I had known. And I learned how much a broken heart hurts, and that love is fragile and sometimes simply extincts, from one moment to another. I understood how much our cultural upbringing actually imprints on us, and how real differences only show in the moment of hurt feelings and broken faith.

To YOU, because with you I learned that I am so much more worth than I ever thought I was. And you gave proof to me of how a façade, after all, is just a big ol' fortress to hide the shadowy insecurities behind. And you taught me that it all is a give and take and sometimes it hurts like hell to give, because you don't receive back. But then you do, perhaps just not in the way you wish for, in that moment. 

To YOU, who taught me that I am not just a replaceable body. Another shadow of the night. But maybe you were that.

To YOU, whom I felt warm and cold with, near and far - all at the same time. I still don't quite understand if that was a pleasant thing or not, but I learned from it. I learned that if someone isn't ready for you, there is nothing you can do about it.

To YOU, who helped me experience the possible pain of a relationship. The darkness of an overly active ego and the hurt of lies. You taught me how to protect my own body and soul in the eye of fear. And you taught me to dive deeper into my own shadows and honour my own light. I grew so much stronger because of you. And you also were my mirror. I saw many of my unhealed wounds through your harsh, sickly love. And finally I could simply walk away.

To YOU, who were persistent  and flattering, and you made me feel worth the wait. Your patience and gentlemen-spirit nourished me and mended my aches in a way that meant more than you will ever know.

To YOU, with whom I experienced how very ugly the amoeba-like, spineless face of non-integrity can be. How can you be ready for life or love, if you are not courageous enough to even own your shape?

To YOU, who unveiled my little flirty side. You invited me to be playful and fun and you loved me for that. You had such a sweet romantic heart. But you needed to find your own self worth.

To YOU, who made me giggle and dream and let me feel the power and the beautiful intimacy of complete nakedness in all its colours. And then you simply dissolved in yourself, and it didn't even hurt me.

To YOU, whose scent lured me into your arms without a second thought. You smelled of holidays in oceanic countries, of sea and salt and lime. And you were the perfect lover. That heavenly morning, when my face laid so close to your freckled nose. But you showed me that a wonderful lover and a wonderful human are not necessarily an exclusive combination. And that sometimes riding an epic wave, means just that. 

To YOU, who let me indulge on countless earthy, grounded cuddles and the best early sunny morning coffee. And I tasted the beauty of being truly acknowledged for something much deeper than the eye can see. You and I proofed that you can be friends and lovers and friends, and even if the loving part doesn't work out, you can always be friends, still. 

To YOU, who came and took and gave and went. I learned that there is nothing wrong with me, only because you cannot love me. But that it much rather gives evidence of how you cannot love yourself so much, in the first place. I understood that often, we love an aspect in others that connects to a sore fragment in ourselves. But we really cannot fix anyone else.
And I learned that sometimes we just help each other out for a brief moment in time and when that moment is over, we simply stray. And that's okay.

You, MY PAST LOVERS, kissed me, adored me, serenaded me, shouted at me, threatened me, bruised me, scarred me, scared me, seduced me, abused me, tickled me, felt me, filled me, nurtured me, acknowledged me, elevated me, surprised me, numbed me, licked me, bit me, touched me, nipped me, danced with me, hugged me, spooned me, left me, proposed to me, laughed with me, dreamed with me, discovered me, played with me, carried me, loved me.
And above that, you taught me how to truly love myself and heal.

I am now ready to gift you all to my past, fully. May each of you always have a safe place there. A place of gratitude and acknowledgement for what you taught me about life, love and myself.

To YOU, my future lovers: 
May you never cease to present me, exactly the lesson I need to be learning at that moment.

And to YOU, the soul that truly matches mine:
May you be blessed to collect all these experiences as well, so when we meet, we will meet naked and free, and ready to grow side by side. In love.