Have you ever given yourself permission to die?

Have you ever given yourself permission to die?

I mean it.

Have you ever felt a terrible fear, that with absolute clarity if you would do a certain thing, allow an emotion to be felt, you would die?

It is an intrinsic knowing of where our limits lie. It tells us where we don't want to go, because we are so afraid of what lies beyond. It is usually the very thing that keeps us locked up and stuck in our suffering. But the fear is bloody real, I know it all too well.

A few years back I learned a very important lesson. The lesson that sometimes we have to drink a little dose of the poison we are sure will kill us. Over and over again. Until one day we have come to a point where we no longer just take a sip, feel a little discomfort, but drink up the whole damn thing, just to get it over with; to see what will happen. And then -

Nothing happens.

We are still alive.

But suddenly we no longer have to feel crippled by the shackles of our own fear.

I learned this from the incredibly wise Roni Jones from Pure Nature Yoga, during a Yoga Teacher Training in Thailand.

During a myofascial release session we were instructed to lay flat with our bellies on a yoga block. This practise can have amazing effects, as it instantaneously releases all the tension from the tissues and fascia in that area that is so heavily loaded with emotions. I guess that's why they call the belly the emotional brain. Also the brief compression on all the organs holds huge cleansing benefits.

But it my case it lead to a fully blown physical trauma response. I couldn't even allow myself to release the tiniest bit of muscle tension. The pressure of the block, emphasised by the weight of my own body, felt like a deathly weapon that was trying to force its way into my guts. I was absolutely certain that if I was to let go in this moment, I would die.

No way around it.

That is how much angst, emotional trauma, and physical trauma from a past surgery I was holding in this area. Not to forget the deep ancestral wounding I was carrying in my womb from generations of suppression and disowning of the feminine.

As I was crying my heart out in the sala, repeating the panicked phrase “I will die, I will die, I know it”, Roni very gently instructed me to prop myself up high enough so I would be able to let go and relax my muscles just enough to feel a very gentle pressure from the block. Just to where I could still tolerate it. After a moment in this still not very comfortable position, I began to speak to myself the words “It's ok. I allow myself to die. Let go.”.

I did this practice daily for about a week or so. Releasing a bit more weight onto the block below, as soon as I felt my body melting.

After some weeks of practice I could comfortably lay flat on the block that was now completely engulfed by my body.

I literally had melted away layer, by layer of fear.

This was the year where I did a lot of diving into my feminine and nurturing all those deep woundings, many different practises.

But it was this experience that really taught me a big lesson. And I personally believe it played a big role in me getting pregnant just a few months later, despite the fact that doctors had told me many times, it would probably not be happening for me.

I am not one to say if you are afraid of falling, you should do a sky dive. I mean it's up to the person. But you can take little leaps at a time, to where the fear is still manageable. And one day, you will be able to take the big leap.

Whenever this horrible fear arises. The knowing that an emotion or sensation will have you die, it is time to give it the permission to do so. You will not die.

It is a believe your ego took on in the past, to stay safe. And it is ok that it is doing that. It wants to help. But we need to take it by the hand like a child and gently say: It is ok that you are afraid. I am with you. I'll stay and hold you. You can let go. Let that part of you experience it. You will still exist after.

Give yourself permission.